Elland Road has proudly stood as one of the few remaining
strongholds of resistance against the footballer as a modern man. If a player
possesses a face that resembles the back end of a bus, cropped hair and
considers tracksuit tops and jeans as sophisticated casualwear then acceptance
is a given. Exposure to any other breed of footballer is almost universally met
with mockery. Years spent in the football wilderness, in splendid isolation
from the bright lights of the Premier League and a never-ending stream of sophisticated
European imports has protected supporters against the influx of ‘image savvy’
talent.
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| Prutts: The trailblazer |
Previously, only David Prutton and his luscious locks have
been embraced in LS11; though a combination of Prutts’ disarming charm,
self-mockery and credible resemblance to the son of God were all extenuating
factors in his favour. More typically, players suspected of being driven by
vanity are regarded with suspicion, both their commitment to the cause and
masculinity questioned.
 |
| That man bag... |
Has Warnock now appeared on the scene with a mandate to
challenge such Luddite sensibilities? While the leaked photograph of his
meeting in Monaco with Bates and Harvey had the internet buzzing over his
appointment, I was far from alone in noticing him proudly sporting a man bag. Over
the opening weeks of his reign has anybody failed to appreciate his perfectly
maintained eyebrows, his beautifully moisturised skin and his repeated
application of lip balm while in the dug-out? No wonder he exudes so much
confidence in front of the cameras; offering a devilish smile, a joke…practically
undressing the viewer with his lingering eye contact. Contrast that to the
demeanour of Simon Grayson, portraying the shifting eyes and body language of a
guilty school boy.
If anybody doubts the shift in attitude I would implore them
to listen to Warnock’s interview from after the Millwall game; while discussing
the defensive performance he remarks that there are “…not many good looking
lads in our team at the back!” Is this a wake-up call for those players; a
warning that looking the part is an all-encompassing term that stretches beyond
merely displaying the ability to play?
 |
| Pout for me, you sexy b**tard!! |
My take is perhaps that the seeds of change were planted
some time ago by our chairman. It stands to reason that for a man to whom Leeds
United represents a vanity project, image would be such an integral concern.
The tell-tale signs were there for all to see: an octogenarian deciding to
undergo eye laser surgery, his continued references to Susannah’s influence on
matters in the radio addresses, the ‘magnificent’ new East Stand boxes – ‘Leeds
United: the beautification project’ is all systems go.
Under this scheme, Simon Grayson was the inevitable first
victim. He returned pre-season with the appearance of a man with little concern
for his image. As he stood on the touchline, donning a tight-fitting training
t-shirt that did nothing but accentuate his growing stomach, he resembled a
middle-aged dad who’d long since abandoned any notions or desire to impress the
opposite sex; the selection of shorts over tracksuit bottoms, merely
compounding the grave wardrobe selection.
Grayson was an ill-fit with these new found ambitions; high
fashion and grooming regimes, untrusted bedfellows for a man perhaps now better
suited to a post in a town that will re-assuredly shelter him from any such
progressive notions. Ironic then, that the final permanent signing of his
tenure is a pointer for the direction in which the club is going.
 |
| Robbie Rogers: Brand, model, humanitarian... and erm, footballer. |
‘The Robbie Rogers’ is not so much a footballer, but a
brand. He has his own website, his own corporate sponsors that include talent
and global marketing agencies, and his own clothing line. His most recent
‘journal’ post effused about his new Spring Collection, particularly a line of
lemon English twill shorts. Add to that his plugging of humanitarian housing
projects in Brazil and we’re talking ‘GQ – Man of the Year’ material here. The
photographs posted on his twitter feed, not so much a ramshackle assortment of
images, rather a selected portfolio of poses, fit to adorn any Littlewoods
catalogue.
So what are the implications for this Bates/Warnock/Rogers
fronted narcissistic revolution? Will the influence spread to all areas of the
club? After years of shambling around in a tatty leather jacket, is Peter
Lorimer going to have a consultation with a stylist? Might Shaun Harvey track
down Wayne Rooney to find out about his hair weave? Maybe Billy Paynter will finally
have a tummy tuck? Are there implications for our summer recruitment strategy? Will
targets now be selected on their potential to fit with a pulchritude-obsessed merchandise catalogue as well as the wage structure?
The commercial angle is the most intriguing. The scope is
there for the superstore to introduce an entire range of beauty products.
Luciano has to be the poster boy for shampoos and conditioners, Ramon Nunez (so
I’m told) has skin to die for, so that’s the moisturisers covered – what are
the chances of getting Tom Lees to start spray tanning? How about next season’s
away kits moving away from black and Chelsea blue and being produced in
seasonal pastel shades?
 |
| Snoddy: A man not immune to the temptress that is vanity |
Then there’s Snoddy, a whole project in himself; beloved
captain but suffering with severe complexion issues. A new regular LUTV show is
surely in the offing here, following his transformation from ugly duckling to
swan; a daily regime involving an oatifix face mask, ocean salt cleanser and
tea tree water, followed by enzymion moisturiser from the Lush facial range
could transform his oily, spot prone skin, providing an invigorated, warm and
balanced healthy glow (thanks for the input, Lauren).
Oh, and we can never forget Ben Fry. How about doing away
with the morally dubious tie-in with Sporting Bet and have Kenco sponsoring an
on-pitch enema; the lucky contestants asked to name the contents of the discharge
pan (all contents consumed in Howard’s restaurant) in exchange for a prized
meal for two?
We shouldn’t mock though, this affects us all; if you think
the beer is sub-standard and the steak and peppercorn pies are crimes against
football catering, think on - next season it could be pinot grigio and feta
cheese salads.
Prepare yourself for Leeds United 2012/13: If your nails
aren’t manicured, you’re not coming in…
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