24th August 2012
I hope this letter finds you in rude health and with your appetite for despotism undimmed by the passing of another pre-season.
Please find enclosed with this letter, a pen for your personal use; something I always regard as invaluable to have to hand, in order to fulfil trivial day-to-day obligations, such as completing the Daily Star crossword, or signing documentation to confirm the completion of multi-million pound takeover deals.
You should also find within, a colouring pencil for Mr Ben Fry; a small gift that should help to keep him entertained as he fills the hours, waiting for your next Yorkshire Radio interview. I would very much appreciate it if you could pass it onto Ben with my regards; I did ponder sending it separately, but I think both you and I recognise the folly of needlessly extravagant expenditure.
Before I go further, I feel I must apologise for the quality of pen that I offer you; there was a very fine selection of high quality, sought after writing implements available in the marketplace yesterday, but being that people typically don’t do their business this early the week, I thought I’d leave my purchase until stationery suppliers were making less outlandish demands. Sadly, it appears that the more naïve members of the letter writing community have given in to the exorbitant prices being quoted, leaving very little to choose from.
Please however accept my assurances that the pen in question, regardless of its age, appearance and the lack of interest expressed in it by other shoppers is still more than capable of doing the job it has been selected for. The owner of the stationers in question has also offered me guarantees about its suitability for purpose – needless to say, if this proves not to be the case, please inform me of your dissatisfaction and I will gladly alert the wider fan base to that person’s betrayal by publishing the address of his establishment on my blog and discretely urging readers to harass both him and other members of his immediate family.
Rather like those morons, dissidents and sickpots, I am writing to urge you to sell your stake in Leeds United FC and perhaps find another group of supporters to alienate. Rest assured, this doesn’t represent a damning judgement on my part of the job you are doing, but like some of the investors who you’ve spoken with in the past, I find myself intimidated when visiting Elland Road these days; some of the men in the Revie Stand have even taken to using swear words in reference to you – I can only imagine how discouraged potential bidders feel when they hear repeated pleas for new owners.
It would also seem the insignificant Trust organisation that you speak of appear to be gaining greater influence too; can you believe that they would now have some people believe sources other than the official website, match programme and Yorkshire Radio for the truth on all things Leeds United? Whatever next?
As much as it pains me to say it, I fear the end is nigh, so I can only hope you choose to leave before these undesirables try and taint the magnificent job you have done. If I can ever do anything in return to repay you for the last 7 years, by offering yourself a similarly, wholly substandard service over a seemingly endless period of time, at an exorbitant price, then please don’t hesitate to contact me. I shall be only too happy to oblige.
Here’s hoping this letter and the other contents reach you safely. I hear that local postal delivery office in Beeston has been employing a lot of immigrants of late, so you can never be sure what sure what they might decide to pocket for themselves. Can you believe we – well not you, obviously – pay taxes to cover their benefits? No, me neither?