The context and excitement provided by act one has now
given way to the troublesome middle act where the initial hope and enthusiasm
have faded and the heroes of the piece appear to be going nowhere, and pretty
slowly too; and unlike with ‘The Empire Strikes Back’, there’s a distinct lack
of ‘cool shit’ like AT-AT vehicles, light sabers, family conflict and a green
dude who lives in a swamp; no sadly this is one of those more stereotypical
trilogies where onlookers find themselves frustrated, awaiting the big pay-off in
the final chapter.
But fear not, almost all of the finest trilogies offer
salvation at the death: the heroes triumph, the bad guy either snuffs it or
makes his exit and best of all, there’s a big f**k off party to commemorate the
whole damn thing! That is what we’re waiting for and I for one have the
champagne on ice and a generous selection of mini-pork pies, chicken
drumsticks, onion bhajis and cheesy footballs on standby!
You see, this whole takeover saga fits the classic model
perfectly, in fact having taken some time off for reflection, the similarities
with the ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy are quite compelling (hey there, ladies ;-) ). Part one set the
scene, the brave fellowship setting off on their epic quest to overthrow the
dark overlord, Sauron (Bates) whose dark shadow has cast Middle Earth (LS11)
into a period of darkness and infighting. The principal players are set in
place, the role of Aragorn, the rightful king, leading the good fight, taken on
with aplomb by Snoddy; the stoutly resolute, no-nonsense dwarf, Gimli,
personified by Warnock; the eye candy and largely redundant Legolas? Step
forward Robbie Rogers! Then at the forefront, Frodo, the everyman charged with
delivering the knock-out blow at the heart of Mordor (the East Stand), Gary
Cooper of LUST. Any ideas for his noble assistant Samwise Gangee? I’m thinking,
surely somebody from the The Square Ball…
Of course a nemesis is required for the scenario; a
Gandalf to Bates’ Sauron – a bidder! As the hope faded at the end of the first
act, our US hopeful was seemingly cast indefinitely into a dark expanse,
otherwise known as a media blackout. Now, here we are in act two, we find ourselves watching
the fellowship pacing onwards almost indefinitely, in the staunch belief that
salvation is theirs to be had. The only thing is, after two weeks of this, the
audience is losing hope, a couple of the fellowship appear to have got stranded
in the forbidden forest, having taken a wrong turning on a day out at Yorkshire
Sculpture Park, while the remainder are struggling to coerce allies to fight
the good fight…
Literary history tells us that this, seemingly the lowest
ebb, is where the worm turns. As the fellowship and their meagre army try and
stave off Bates’ army of purple vested stewards at the Elland Road version of
Helm’s Deep, so Gandalf returns, only now he’s Gandalf the White, his transformation
a representation of his commitment to the LUFC cause (and possibly a new
incarnation as a Middle East based bidder); he’s bigger, better and ready to
kick some top-level ass! - For the title 'The Two Towers', now read 'The Two Takeovers'!
 |
| The conflicted one |
Throw in at this stage, Shaun Harvey, playing the conflicted
Gollum, no longer sure whether to stick with the dark side, or facilitate the
transition of power in the hope of retaining a role after the demise of the
evil one, and surely the destiny of the LUFC power struggle is inevitable…surely?
As I’m sure you can appreciate, it’s been another quiet
week and I’m grasping at straws here. Anyway, for what it’s worth, here’s the slim pickings of week
7…
Monday 11th June
The YEP reports that Aidy White is to request a final
round of talks at Elland Road in an effort to clarify his future; expect his
agent’s opening gambit to be along the lines of “Look, is the club getting
taken over, or can we just f**k off, here and now?”
 |
| Hey ladies... |
Eddie Gray also appears in the paper, stating that
Warnock will want to get players in for next season as soon as possible –
expect another instalment from Eddie Gray’s ‘Guide to Stating the Bleeding
Obvious’ in the near future.
On WACCOE, the TOMA threads pass the 1 million views
landmark – a true sign of the scale/dedication/desperation* (*delete as appropriate) of the LUFC fanbase.
True to WACCOE, even after in excess of 15,000 posts, nobody is any the wiser
about the whole affair.
Tuesday 12th June
The big news of the day in the YEP centres around the future
of Michael Brown; with the combative/dirty/useless* (*delete as appropriate) midfielder set to decide on his future at
the club, having been offered drastically reduced terms for next season.
Warnock is full of praise for Brown’s contribution under him but also states:
“I’m looking to
bring a few players in that area, but I’d like to think that he will come back
and surprise a few people again next season”
Expect that line to be cut and pasted for every ‘contract
rebel’ currently at Elland Road, the surprise being that any of them do come back and
play at all…
Huddersfield are reported to be set to hijack United’s
move for out of contract Derby midfielder Paul Green… nobody cares.
On a more positive note, Dominic Poleon and Ross Killock
join Simon Lenighan, Sam Byram and the magnificently named Charlie Clamp and Monty
Gimpel in signing professional contracts at the club…quite possibly on the
grounds of being offered starting places in August.
 |
| All you need is love/Lust* (*delete as appropriate) |
Finally there's also universal agreement on WACCOE as the TOMA thread provides its first constructive and wholly appreciated contribution to the lives of those doomed to spend their days in the dark corridors of its mis-truths, speculation and tired, repetitive in-jokes; it arrives in the form of a GIF of a charming Russian supporter, caught on camera, attending the Euros - that girl's sweet smile, enough to at least temporarily halt the name calling and spark mass adulation amongst all those who encounter her.
Wednesday 13th June
The Premier League announce a new deal for domestic TV
coverage, worth £3bn over 3 years. From the 2013-14 season, clubs will enjoy a
modest 71% hike in television income with even the division’s bottom club
guaranteed a minimum of £60.6m a season. Ken Bates’ decision to withhold a
couple of million pounds from Simon Grayson when the club sat in the top two at
the turn of 2011 looks ever more shrewd.
 |
| Awaiting the opening of the war chest? |
Lee Peltier is again linked with the club with a deal
worth in the region of £300k reported to be on the cards, later in the month.
The long-running Paddy Kenny saga is also expected to resolved soon as the
player returns from his holiday on Thursday. That’s now two players back off
their holidays – do they not adhere to Ken Bates’ ‘Guide to the Summer Transfer
Window’?
Back on WACCOE, a proud new moment in the site’s history
after its members WACCOE their own club, bombarding Shaun Harvey in forthright,
but surprisingly expletive-light terms via email, to ask what the hell is going on. Word
from the club is that they’re not best pleased; the TOMA 2 thread is
temporarily closed (causing severe withdrawal symptoms for some of the most
notorious addicts) and the mod who offered up his intended email for feedback,
thus sparking the chaos, is moved to apologise to the masses.
The most remarkable revelation of the day is made on the
official website though as the club make the astounding, commendable even, announcement
that the South-East Corner will be reserved next season for to enable families
to attend who have chosen NOT to buy membership! Holy shit – Ken Bates has
approved something akin to a non-conditional discount at Elland Road? Well, if
you ever needed a sign he was selling up…
Thursday 14th June
It’s the Capital One Cup first round draw day; an event
so exciting and pivotal in the pre-season calendar that it’s almost demands checking
the twitter timelines to catch up on the news. Fanciful dreams of a day out in
Morecambe or York are shattered as the soul-destroying spectacle of Shrewsbury Town at Elland Road
is thrown up instead. The club announce that they may seek to move the tie to
the Saturday before the season… it’s obviously a more appealing spectacle than
the previously brazenly touted ‘prestige’ friendly against the newly crowned
European champions.
 |
| Big time! |
Leeds Online reveal that Neil Warnock flew over to Monaco
to meet/confront* (*delete as appropriate) Cuddly Ken over his summer spending
resources. Mercifully, he returned to the UK, still as Leeds manager… we can
only hope the news represents the takeover, rather being imminent, rather than
Paul Lambert’s fetish for Leeds players being indulged once more.
It’s an encouraging sign for all; even marquee signing
and newly appointed club spokesman for EVERYTHING on the official website,
Jason ‘@jpearcedog87’ Pearce was in the dark over matters, having eloquently tweeted the day before, “Haven’t
heard any news on transfers as yet – kno as much as u. Cnt wait until I’m bk”…
his form of textspeak, almost Shakespearian in comparison to Grant Holt’s
efforts.
Friday 15th June
Peter Lorimer’s column, as tradition dictates, skirts
around all the pressing issues at the club, instead focusing on the revelation
that there are a lot of northern clubs in the Championship. Lorimer’s
especially pleased for the supporters as shorter away trips must be welcome in
a period of financial hardship… home ticket prices might also be an issue,
Peter.
Gary Walker, YEP columnist, aka the conscience of the
newspaper, is rather more reticent this week, theorising that with the
confidentiality clauses that inevitably come into play during takeovers, then
maybe silence is golden. Now either… a) he knows something or b) he’s now
grasping onto that same security blanket of blind hope/rationality/denial* (*delete as appropriate) that most of
the fanbase have a hold of.
 |
| The J-Dog |
Jason Pearce is wheeled out AGAIN on the official site to
speak of his excitement of facing Shrewsbury ahead of the league campaign. Oh,
and by the way, did you know that the Capital One Cup tie is included in the
cost of all the 2012/13 seasonal hospitality packages? Tempted now, I bet? Yes?
Saturday 16th June
Nothing happens! Absolutely nothing! Where the f**k is
this Arabian re-incarnation of Gandalf? Why aren’t those other two back from
Yorkshire Sculpture Park with the walking, talking trees? Will Snoddy, Warnock
and Rogers finish recruiting and get to the ass-kicking battle scene
already?!?!
Jesus!!
Sunday 17th June
No news, but then again no surprises there as everyone knows
that players, agents, representatives of billionaires etc. don’t do their
business on a Sunday.
 |
| That day! |
At least the YEP reveals that The Duke’s epic
one-man show has been immortalised, as the 4-3 defeat of Liverpool is voted the
best United game of the 2000s. In the end it polled 44% of the vote, ahead of
the 21% attracted by the 3-2 win at Highbury and the 17% who opted for the 3-0
defeat of Deportivo; the 1-1 draw in the San Siro (13%) and the play-off
triumph in Carlise (4%) completed the line-up.
The fact that the most complete performance of the decade
(the 4-1 victory over Anderlecht) was omitted is rather a disappointment, but
bearing in mind the ‘Match of the 90s’ poll offered the Coca-Cola final debacle
and the European exit to Rangers as options, to moan too much this time almost
seems churlish.
No comments:
Post a Comment