Monday 21st May
With his summer holiday rapidly approaching, Neil Warnock
meets up with United’s CEO, Shaun Harvey at Thorp Arch to discuss the (lack of)
progress being made on the transfer front. Having made the grave error of
stating that he hoped and expected to have 3 or 4 players in before his
departure, Warnock, doubtless awash with a mixture of emotions that most
likely embrace notions of anger/despair/being a hopelessly naive tit, allegedly articulates his inner demons with some gusto. One particularly
credible source revealing on WACCOE:
 |
| Trouble at mill... |
In some ways you have to feel sorry for Harvey, a man who
just appears to be so helpless that he could probably be accredited charitable
status. His seemingly never-ending list of hard luck stories about the men he’s
chased after, only to be disappointed, reminds me of one of those tragic,
rotund aunties; you know the ones; they always turn up at weddings in an unflattering floral dress, accompanied by a long
suffering ‘close friend’ who they use a support mechanism for that inevitable
moment when they break down over the realisation, that while they’re witnessing
another blissful union, they remain alone, depressed and helping
themselves to another Scotch egg.
I wonder if Shaun ever finds himself storming off the
dance floor as Freda Payne's 'Band of Gold' resonates out, tears rolling down his cheeks as he makes a bee-line for the toilet
cubicle, where he can be alone, lost in his own thoughts, torturing himself over the
moment that Jonny Howson closed the door after that final round of contract
talks, never to look back?...
Tragically for Shaun, it’s happening all over again, but
this time with Snoddy. Like Jonny before him, Snoddy loves playing for Leeds,
he loves captaining Leeds, but like so many of these pesky prima donnas of the
modern era, actually figures pissing away his talent in a relegation dog fight
wouldn’t be a lot of fun. In an interview our captain throws down the gauntlet,
challenging the board, stating that:
“If things change
in terms of bringing players in and getting Premier League class and kicking
on, then it’s a no brainer. You sign the contract and move on”
Well, it ties in with everything Bates has claimed the
club are working towards, so no problems there then, surely?...
 |
| Oh, hello... |
Back now to our credible source. The LUST chairman, not satisfied that his work is done having brightened the afternoon of Leeds fans with his
revelations over Harvey’s dressing down, decides to drops an altogether more ground shaking
nugget of information…
 |
| Cue frenzied takeover speculation! |
With that begins a new frenzy of takeover speculation;
yes, nothing was explicitly stated but this info was coming from a rather
better placed source than the “mate who’s an Ipswich Town season ticket holder
and has no reason to lie” staple of WACCOE rumour mongers. When another well
placed TSB luminary went further to state that he knew that an offer was “definitely”
on the table, so the latest, and potentially most epic WACCOE takeover thread
of all, took to life.
 |
| Yes, I did just make THAT comparison! |
Despite repeated pleas and a crescendo of private
messages, BillyisGod has kept all subsequent comments cryptic, discreet and yet
altogether positive, establishing himself as perhaps the biggest cock tease for
the male LUFC fanbase since Kylie first donned those gold hot pants – now who’d
have seen that comparison coming?
Tuesday 22nd May
Full on revolution is now in the air as fresh comments
emerge from the lips of our beloved, new wave iconoclast, this time diplomacy is emphatically and resoundingly drop kicked out of Thorp Arch, landing somewhere on the
outskirts of Whitby; finally, our captain singles out Bates. Talking to ‘The
Scotsman’ Snoddy reveals:
“The chairman is
trying to put a bit of pressure on me. He’s telling me what plans he has got
for the club. But they told me the same type of plans the season before and it
didn’t work out, so it’s hard to buy into these things again…
 |
| Soon to be murdered, chopped into small pieces and buried in plots all over Beeston... |
…To lead Leeds
United back to the Premier League would be a dream come true. The full place would
be absolutely buzzing. But who knows whether he (Warnock) has one or two years
left at Leeds?...So it’s alright for him to say he could get me a move, but if
he leaves, then the people above him are not going to worry about what he said”
Anyone get the feeling he doesn’t trust Bates?
True to form, in the face of such a story, the club
desperately peddle a good news item on the website, pitching the headline ‘Defender
poised to agree new deal’. On reading the story it emerges that Neil Warnock
has confirmed that “We’re talking to Tom Lees about his contract”… talking eh?
Well that’s put everyone’s mind at rest.
 |
| The dreams all begin here... |
United also reveal another 3 friendly games as part of
the pre-season build-up; The Whites confirm they will actually kick off their campaign
with a Friday evening trip to take on Farsley Celtic at Throstle Nest –
Warnock has three days less than we thought to cobble a starting XI together.
The revelation by the YEP that never-ending the Joel Ward
transfer saga is down to the club’s inability to afford the upfront payment of
a £400,000 transfer fee sparks even more frenzied speculation in some quarters, the rationale being that this represents a freezing of assets ahead of an imminent takeover.
A second revelation in the YEP, that the club is entering
yet ANOTHER legal battle - this time over policing costs - offers an alternative
explanation for the scarcity of money at Elland Road.
Wednesday 23rd May
Another day, another ground shaking revelation!
Yorkshire Radio reveal that their very raison d’être,
the Wednesday interview with Mr Chairman will be taking a break for the summer.
Ben Fry is understood to be distraught and spending time under the watchful
gaze of his close family.
No reason is given why our esteemed chairman - currently
on the brink of losing another court case, facing questions regarding falling
income, lack of investment and inconsistent accounting from the outside, and a
failure to honour promises, retain and recruit players from his captain and
manager – has chosen to keep a low profile.
 |
| He's gonna need something stronger than Carling... |
On a lighter note, it’s good to be reassured that there are always others even worse off than ourselves. Thanks must go
again to Portsmouth; not satisfied with the indignity of losing their captain
to Leeds, not even content with somehow trying to outdo us on the administration
front, the Fratton Park outfit reveal their intention to kick-off the new
season with Billy Paynter spearheading their promotion charge.
Rumours suggest that tattooed, bell-ringing Pompey super
fan, John Westwood has reserved a patch of left arse cheek real estate to adorn
with Billy’s image
Thursday 24th May
The revolution is well and truly in full swing. After
Snoddy addressed the masses from a secret location at the beginning of the
week, Neil Warnock is inspired to follow suit. Breaking ranks from the
Yorkshire Radio stronghold, our manager crosses the line and gets into bed with
the “communists” at the Bloated Biased Corporation, revealing that he can
understand his captain’s viewpoint:
“He knows what I
think about him and I don’t blame him. I know he’s saying ‘let’s see how
ambitious the club are’…When I spoke to him he said to me ’12 months ago it was
Gradel, Johnson, Howson and me’ and now he’s the only one left. I understand
where he’s coming from.”
As I’m sure any reader will agree, those quotes truly do
represent a skewed and manipulated, agenda-driven version of the truth. Those
BBC bastards…
Friday 25th May
With Neil Warnock, mournfully stood in line, waiting to
get his “I went to Ibiza and all Bates has got me was a lousy Jason Pearce’ t-shirt
printed, Leeds fans seemingly give up on chasing unrealistic dreams of signing
players and retreat back to the comfy, welcoming womb of takeover
speculation.
 |
| Heads turned by a pavilion? |
With previous events and stories suggesting that the
Toronto Maple Leafs are the most likely bidders for the club, some tweeters in
a desperate search for salvation choose to adopt rumour as absolute truth. When
the whispers attain worldwide trending status, the MLSE twitter account is
moved to issue a swift denial. This is the signal for many to write off the
takeover story as another complete fabrication, as twitter is obviously the
place where vast sporting conglomerates discuss their business…oh, and also as it
appears inconceivable that it may even be another party who are in talks.
In contrast, rather than issue any denial, the club keep
a dignified silence…did I really say that?! No, actually, let’s stick with the
diplomacy angle; it keeps the takeover dream alive!
Elsewhere, the club are busy plugging LUTV, offering for
just the cost of a subscription, the chance to see the inside story on the new
pitch being seeded at Elland Road. Yes, that’s right: grass growing – it’s
live, it’s exclusive and it’s only on LUTV! Get subscribing people!!
Elsewhere, there's very encouraging news to be had from the
U15’s performance in the Lennart Johansson Academy trophy, held in Sweden;
according to the official site, the youngsters impressed in the youth
tournament that featured a number of elite European clubs. Not only did they
beat Stabeck (who?) 1-0 in their first game, but they followed that up with
another single goal victory against Kapa (again, who?)… sadly our boys faced a
run of games against clubs who keen Europhiles may have actually heard of and
fared thus:
Sturm Graz 3 Leeds United 0
Espanyol 4 Leeds United 0
AIK Solna (think I’ve heard of them) 3 Leeds United 1
Lord only knows what an unsuccessful showing would’ve
represented.
Saturday 26th May
Today’s “chuck it in there and hope it sticks” takeover
party is named as the Qatar-based QSI group, the source, reassuringly a fan who’s
mate has done a bit of work (plastering/gardening/decorating* - *delete as
appropriate) for someone involved at a high level within the organisation –
champagne on ice, everyone!
At a League One play-off final that draws in 7,000 less
supporters than the 2007 Yeovil vs. Blackpool clash did, two MASSIVE clubs bore
everyone to death. Eventually Huddersfield triumph and amidst a cacophony flapping rattles, fans
of the Dog Botherers hastily wank themselves stupid at the prospect of another
visit to ‘Bellend Road’… we can only wait and see if they can come closer to
selling out their "inadequate" allocation of 2,6000 tickets this time out.
 |
| This is for you KEN BATES!!!...erm, I mean, Dean Hoyle. |
A delighted Simon Grayson chooses to ignore the fans who
travelled in their dozens to watch their heroes, instead dedicating the victory
to his supportive, ambitious chairman. Anybody else reading something between
the lines there? Hmm…
The YEP reports that Tom Lees in on the verge of agreeing
a new contract that brings his earnings into line with the more senior squad
members at Elland Road. Whether these are the criminally over-paid squad
members the club cannot shift or the markedly under-paid squad members that the
club can’t seem to retain is not made clear.
Neil Warnock considers the new deal as fair reward for
Lees, telling the paper:
“He’s got a lot to
learn and he’s made individual errors, but he’s improved his all-round game and
was almost the first name on my teamsheet. I can’t give him a bigger complement
than that”
Well, to be fair Neil, if you keep Snoddy and bring in
another 8 first teamers to join Jason Pearce and THEN you’re still saying the
same, that claim might just carry a little more gravias.
Sunday 27th May
A story on ‘The National’ website claims that QPR are
ready to allow Paddy Kenny, Shaun Derry and Tommy Smith join Leeds; whether a
collective offer of below £400,000 is deemed acceptable for the trio is another
matter entirely.
 |
| Beyond our budget |
After enjoying a longer lifespan than some insects, the
Joel Ward saga is finally expected to come to an end tomorrow when the Pompey
player signs for Crystal Palace.
I cannot believe I find myself feeling angry about
missing out on a player who before a few weeks ago I had neither heard of, nor
could remember seeing play, and who in most quarters has been written off as mediocre
anyway…
Summer can be a real bitch!
Brilliant blog........it would be piss funny if it wasn't so fucking depressing!
ReplyDeleteKeep it coming Ken
Ah cheers! Never saw this. Rarely gets comments away from the twitter timeline!
ReplyDelete