The only problem now is that I don’t remember my life
without TOMA; how did I survive the summer months in the past? With the Euros
gone I now have no football distractions, nor can I point to the novel presence of
a massive fiery star some 150,000,000km away, to justify an existence of lounging
about in the garden, moving only to periodically turn down the volume of the
sound deck when the neighbours come out and I’m listening to some tune laden
with ‘effing and jeffing’.
I’m finding myself reduced to being stuck indoors, in a
mode of self-congratulation for side-lining the obsession that’s been keeping
me indoors for the first place. Today I’ll be pinning my hopes that Lewis
Hamilton will find God and after a chinwag, be given rights to channel the genius
of Ayrton Senna’s abilities for driving in wet conditions; then to follow, I’ll
be investing my hopes and passion into supporting a Scottish charisma vacuum,
who appears to hold a thinly veiled disdain for the English, as he aims to
triumph in a minority sport that holds little interest for me, 50 weeks a year –
FML!
Still, at least my ‘Lord of the Rings’ metaphor for the
takeover is holding true; we are deep into the final chapter… I’d just forgotten
the film had so many f**king false endings! - I knew I should’ve gone with Star Wars, the
celebrations on Endor were far more hip as well; the Ewoks may have been an
annoying race whose introduction heralded a dip from which Star Wars saga would never
recover, but those furry little bastards sure knew how to throw a party!
Monday 2nd July
On the first of several quiet news days, LUFC resort to again announcing the capture of Paul Green and Adam Drury, although in fairness, this
time it’s official: they’re contractually obliged to be professionally
courteous to Ben Fry.
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| This is your life now, lads... |
Another plug also for the 2012/13 season tickets as the
club assures supporters that buying a season ticket is the only way to “guarantee
your seat for what we hope will be an
exciting campaign”. If that statement of intent is not enough to lure in
potential customers, the club also reveal a new benefit for season ticket
holders; the entitlement to purchase 3 online match tickets for other people (non-season
ticket holders) with a £5 discount… it really does pay to commit, doesn’t it?
Tuesday 3rd July
The Crown Prosecution Services announce that some 5
months after the incident, they do not intend to press any charges following
the Elland Road tunnel scuffle at the end of the Doncaster game. A spokesman
for the CPS revealed that the organisation were pleased to swiftly draw a line
under the matter and would now be focusing all their on the cases of a man
accused of littering during the poll tax riots, and a woman allegedly caught
burning her bra at the Greenham Common protests in the early 1980s.
It’s also announced that the furthest flung away trip off
the season, to the AMEX Community Stadium, has been rescheduled to the least
convenient night of the week for the second year running at the whim of Sky: Brighton vs. Leeds United, Friday night – tempted?
 |
| Doesn't know when to pass, when to shoot, where he's heading... |
Meanwhile, Neil Warnock reveals he doesn’t even know
whether Aidy White will be returning for pre-season training:
“Presumably, he’ll tell me what’s going off when he comes
back for pre-season training on the 11th. Under the legal terms, I
don’t suppose he has to train with us if he’s got fixed up, with him being under
24. But I think the lad will want to anyhow.”
It kinda puts our frustration about the takeover into
perspective when the manager is even having to speculate whether he’ll see one
of his players or not.
Wednesday 4th July
Coventry City’s Richard Keogh is the latest name to be
linked with a move to Elland Road; like another rumoured defensive target,
Nottingham Forest’s Luke Chambers, Keogh was voted the Sky Blues’ ‘Player of
the Year’; with new club mouthpiece and Pompey ‘Player of the Year’ Jason
Pearce already on board, it would seem difficult to question Neil Warnock’s
judgement on defensive recruits.
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| Disturbing resemblance to Andy Hughes, or is that just me? |
It is reported that Coventry would look to recoup in the
region of £1m if they were forced to sell… imagine that, Leeds United paying a
seven figure sum! It has happened before kids – ask your granddad! Maybe Elland
Road is finally becoming a desirable destination again? Well for mediocre
journeymen at least as the YEP reports that another long rumoured target,
Portsmouth’s Luke Varney has his heart set on a ‘dream move’ to Elland Road.
Championship rivals be afraid... be very afraid.
Thursday 5th July
The official site reveals that both Paddy Kisnorbo – possibly
by now striking an uncanny resemblance to Robocop or the Bionic Man – and
therobbierogers.com will both feature for Leeds in pre-season, albeit at not
the same level of the others. Davide Somma is expected to return to training
next month with a late September/early October return mooted. Dates! We have
dates here! Has Ben Parker really patented the “days not weeks” sound bite and has
now added it to his CV to impress potential employers with?
More positive news on the player speculation front as the
YEP reports that a deal to bring Lee Peltier to the club is now imminent; a potential deal that's almost positive enough to force a reluctant smile and a philosophical,
agreeable nod from most supporters. Simon Cox is also being linked…now steady
on, that signing would actually border on the exciting! Are we actually ready
for that?!
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| Leeds United 2012/14... oh, sorry! Wrong kit! |
Even more exciting though is the sudden announcement of
the brand new LUFC 2012/14 away (or if you prefer, the recycled Napoli 2011/12
home) shirt. The official site is all bluster as it excitedly spurts forth all
the sales patter. Apparently:
The new kit, which has been designed by Macron in
conjunction with the club (and Napoli) combines technology with classic Italian
style and presents the new ‘azzurro’ steel colour (blue).
The shirt was created integrating a range of different
fabrics; the main body is complemented by navy blue flanks in a mesh fabric
that define the profile of the shirt and allow maximum breathability. The neck
comes in ribknit with under collar contrasting fabric and the year the club was
founded, 1919, embroidered on the back.
Mercifully, for those wanting the low down in layman's terms, Tom Lees enthused:
“The away one’s really nice, really nice colour an’ that;
hmm… it’s nice, I really like it! I’m looking forward to wearing the away shirt
especially, they're nice, really nice shirts…”
 |
| A beaming Tom Lees!...kinda |
Causing almost a big a stir as the shirt itself was one
publicity shot from the photo shoot of a smiling Tom Lees; granted it wasn’t a naturalistic
smile, indeed it seemed pained, forced in the extreme, that of a man attempting
to put on a brave face while the world around him has collapsed. I’d expect a
similar grin from Adam Clayton when he meets the press at the Galpharm.
Much more disturbing however was the subsequent
disclosure of further photographs taken on that day, by LUTV’s James Varley on
his twitter timeline. One shot in particular sent a shudder of apprehension
down the spine; a photograph of a statuesque Lees being filmed by a cameraman –
it had an unnerving Lynchian undercurrent to it; far more Twin Peaks than Thorp
Arch. It haunted my thoughts as I retired to bed that night, infiltrating my subconscious
and burning into my mind a disturbing vision…
For those either too young or culturally unaware to have immersed themselves in Twin Peaks, I make no apologies; it is a shortcoming you need to address, though rest assured, prior knowledge probably doesn’t add an overwhelming sense of clarity to what you may have just witnessed in the video above.
Friday 6th July
After weeks of mourning the club’s inability to keep hold
of Adam Clayton, the early morning announcement of a move to Huddersfield moves
to at least assure some of those fans in question that he was (for 75% of games) a waste of space
after all. Doubtless struggling to deal with the heartbreak of witnessing indignant, departing, Leeds tweeters decimating his followers list in a mass exodus, Clayton will have at least been heartened by the
words of his new/old boss, Simon Grayson:
“He’s a player I admired when he was at Carlisle and
Manchester City and we’re delighted to have secured his services to this
football club. I think it shows our intent in the level of players we want to
sign”
Guess the Dog Botherers are serious about trying to stay
out of the bottom three…
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| Daily commuting times - always a factor in selecting a job |
Clayton’s motives for the move may at the outset seem a
little more puzzling, although maybe by looking beyond football considerations and at the
wider picture, everything slots into place, as one look at Google Maps might
suggest.
Saturday 7th July
On the slowest of news days, the highlight of the YEP’s
Leeds United coverage is Brendan Ormsby’s column where he reveals his least
favourite football shirts of all time; predictably the 1970s chocolate brown
Coventry City away kit is selected as Brendan’s biggest fashion ‘no no’; expect
tips on interior design next week, specifically why contrasting walls are still
in vogue and why powder blue is the new eggshell.
 |
| Terry Yorath's darkest hour |
Away from the more respected channels and into the world
of the great unwashed, uninformed and frankly moronic, the dissidents of The
Square Ball head down to the bright lights of London for the FSF ‘Fanzine of the Year Awards’,
hoping to retain their title. Ultimately, on those grounds the evening proves
to be a disappointment, but the budget lavished out on rail tickets, a family
room at a budget hotel and alcohol is not all put to waste as ex-White, Michael
Gray is befriended (or practically raped in the case of Moscowhite) by the team
and his telephone number secured… I’m assuming for interviewing purposes,
although the team sounded quite smitten in a pretty gay way.
Sunday 8th July
More fall-out from the FSF trip as it’s revealed that
predictably, Moscowhite was identified as the first to hit the wall; mercifully
photographic evidence was provided. Oddy did eventually return to the hotel, having
disappeared, seduced by the bright lights and a short-lived, sexually charged,
one way twitter relationship with a man whose twitter name closely approximates
that of Dan, who himself was sadly deprived of Oddy's spooning services in the interim.
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| Let's see you reference that in LOL's 'The Square Ball Week', Moscowhite! |
Bollocks, I didn't even make it through the weekend! Back to the TOMA speculation rollercoaster it is...
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