 |
| Courtesy of I R Leeds from WACCOE |
Still, this is the week that pre-season got underway, when football’s greatest love affair has been rekindled and a Norway based Jamaican
who nobody had heard of before Friday has been accredited with LUFC legend
status, so hopes are rekindled...
Roll on Farsley Celtic!!
Monday 9th July
It’s the week when pre-season is upon us and ahead of
preparations kicking-off on Wednesday, Neil Warnock offers some thoughts to the
official website. The boss has high expectations of his troops and reveals that
some have already returned ahead of the 11th July start date. As for
the rest of the players; he has no undue concerns regarding their levels of
professionalism:
“Lads look after
themselves nowadays and so they should. It’s a different ball game to what it
what it used to be. We’ll look to have a good week’s training before we start
with the game at Farsley”
 |
| Who ate all the hotdogs?... |
The comments go some way towards putting to bed the
rumour that the hotdog man who’s been pedalling takeover rumours on twitter
was using Billy Paynter as his source. Meanwhile, the announcement that the
ticket office will be closed on Friday for a systems upgrade inevitably leads
to a new wave of TOMA conspiracy theories...
Tuesday 10th July
Away from the madness of the present, time is taken to
pay tribute to the man who made Leeds United what it is; on what would’ve been
Don Revie’s 85th birthday, the official site pays the ultimate
tribute it can, by publishing a piece completely free of factual inaccuracies and
grammatical errors... a humbling epitaph indeed.
 |
| Gone but not forgotten... |
Another applaudable announcement is that of a freeze on
matchday ticket prices at Elland Road, ensuring that admission will be pegged
at ‘wholly excessive’ as opposed to ‘exorbitant in the extreme’ levels for the
coming 10 months. The seeming generosity of the board in making this gesture is
immediately undermined by the announcement that the season opener, the
lunchtime televised fixture Wolves will be a Category A game.
Away from Elland Road, Alan Smith agrees to join MK Dons
on a 2 year deal, ensuring that after countless transfer windows spanning many
years, LUFC supporting keyboard warriors the world over, will have to find
another player to come to virtual fisticuffs over... it’s been emotional.
Wednesday 11th July
Finally, it’s back! Pre-season training commences; the
first sign of the impending new campaign is upon us, a chance to sample that
initial tingle of excitement as supporters are presented with an opportunity to
see the players, both new signings and old favourites, back on the training
pitches of Thorp Arch. New kits, new start, new season, new hope... this is
what we’ve been waiting for!
Imagine then the scenes across the four corners of the
globe when those first, hotly anticipated photos are posted on the website...
 |
| Still here... |
... and the first shot is of Paul Connolly and Danny Pugh! Reality check, anyone? Still, there are also shots of new signings, Jason Pearce and Adam Drury to at least satiate the hunger for something positive to cling on to.
Rather adding fuel to the optimism bonfire is the
announcement of Paddy Kenny’s arrival at Elland Road. Neil Warnock acknowledges
that Kenny’s arrival was one of the worst kept secrets in football, saying:
“I don’t think you
can keep secrets at Elland Road. Somebody knows everything”
Does TOMA not ring a bell, Neil?
Regardless, Warnock’s joy at securing Kenny’s signature is indisputable and he proclaims the signing of the keeper to be “the most
important I’ll make while I’m at Leeds United” – Danny Webber is understood to
be distraught.
Warnock added that the club were continuing to “look all
over the place” as part of the recruitment drive; a tearful Glynn Williams is thought
to be locked in a dark room, scouring ‘Football Manager 2012’ database for
talent, day and night.
 |
| Forever... |
For his part, Paddy is equally delighted to seal his move
to Elland Road. His arrival marks a new chapter in one of football’s most
enduring love stories: following on from Bury, Sheffield United and QPR, Leeds
United represents the fourth club that Warnock has brought to Kenny to; the
pair seemingly inseperable - an all too rare, loving, father and son dynamic,
existing in an otherwise sadly, sentimentality starved business, the essence of
which was beautifully distilled into imagery by howsonisnow.com...
For his part, Paddy says all the right things, ticking
off every cliché that any footballer joining a new club should adhere to; truly
a text book performance by our new ‘Number 1’.
 |
| Full marks, Paddy! |
It’s a day where exciting news just doesn’t relent as the
club also reveals a major overhaul for LUTV; promises are made of a whole raft
of new and exciting content, this includes more clips, interviews and behind
the scenes footage. Of more concern is the axing of the daily ‘We Are Leeds’
show – what is to become of Ben Fry?!
Another new feature to enhance the matchday experience is
the new ‘tunnel cam’; whether this new innovation is purely an initiative by
the club, or rather a collaboration with West Yorkshire police, with a keen eye
on El Hadji Diouf’s next visit is unclear.
It is also announced that Billy’s Bar and Howard’s
Restaurant will be closed over the weekend due to an “external event”. The
event in question is the annual Jehovah’s Witnesses’ convention – it seems that
even Ken Bates’ businesses can be disrupted by ‘Acts of God’.
Thursday 12th July
Neil Warnock confirms that Andy Gray has joined the club
on a two week trial, though is quick to dismiss notions that his presence will
automatically pave the way for a move. Talking further about the personnel
currently at Thorp Arch, a rag tag collection of first teamers, squad players, those
transfer listed, youth teamers and trialists; he labels them a “strange mix”...
shorthand doubtless, for there being a lot of shit still hanging around.
 |
| Customary ageing trialist |
He also mentions the departure of Adam Clayton to
Huddersfield, intimating that the ‘occasional action’ midfielder had secured
the contract he wanted at the Gapharm; that’ll be one that doesn’t truly
recognise his ability to influence games then...
Most disturbing revelation of the week is that the new
home and away shirts are also going to be available in ‘Bodyfit’ sizes. It’s
notable that the ‘Bodyfit’ shirts are priced £5 higher for adult sizes;
doubtless a small tax levied especially against those posers who want to make
fellow Leeds fans feel inadequate by finding a new vehicle through which to
flaunt their gym toned torsos. Thankfully it will equally serve to penalise
those who overdose on the pies but are curious enough afflict those around them
by trying out the new option. For once, I can only praise LUFC’s mercenary
approach... though maybe a £20 premium next season, eh?
Friday 13th July
Although not one governed by superstition, today sees a
number of stories break that suggest that today’s date has exerted a strange
influence over goings on...
Exhibit A
At the LUFC v West Yorkshire Police court case, Shaun
Harvey contests the requirement of the club to pay what he considers excessive
policing costs, citing the economic benefits the club brings to the local
economy. Added to the earlier contention that the risk levels attached to many
Leeds games are ridiculously exaggerated, there is a real possibility that our
CEO’s final act in charge may be to talk a degree of sense...hell, we might
even win a court case!
Exhibit B
Harry Kewell is voted by an esteemed panel of 15,000
judges as the greatest Australian footballer of all time; plucked from a
shortlist that didn’t even feature Jacob Burns or Shane Candsell-Sheriff, the
crocked morality vacuum who’s spent the last few years of his career
underwhelming spectators in Turkey and Australia with his talent, somehow beat
Mark Viduka to the title. It is thought that the judges are also planning to
afford Peter Sutcliffe the title of ‘Greatest Living Yorkshireman’.
Exhibit C
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| One of the videos Nayls should be digging out... |
Richard Naylor returns to the club to gain experience as
a coach; he’ll be doing for it Redders as part of the youth set-up; it’s
unfortunate that those under his tutelage are probably too young to remember
his days as a solid defender. Best dig out the League One era videos...
Exhibit D
Leeds table a bid for a player that is met with universal
approval; the player in question is Jamaican international, Rodolph Austin, a
defensive midfielder, built like several adjoining brick shithouses, and
possessing tackle reminiscent of David Batty. YouTube clips (the scouting tool
of choice for Leeds fans these days) and a cluster of rave reviews from
Scandanavian Whites elevates Rodolph to cult status within hours; by Friday
evening, the local Brann newspaper website is running a story about
#RodolphAustinfacts – a derivative of #Brownfacts which in turn was shamelessly
based on #ChuckNorrisfacts – trending on twitter.
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| He's Leeds, he just don't know he is... |
Out of contract in December and as a result, currently
available for transfer at a price rumoured to be in the region of £350,000,
Rodolph seems too good to be true. While the current regime and Ipswich Town
still exist, that may yet prove to be the case.
#prayforRodolph
Elsewhere, after another TOMA speculation frenzy, Neil
Warnock appears on Sky Sports News and reveals exactly what could be
realistically expected about the takeover – absolutely nothing. Predictably the
textbook playing down of the situation is still enough to push some of the more
extreme victims of TOMA fever towards the Prozac.
Offering rather more excitement is serial twitter
bullshitter, @RyzinhoUK who assures all Leeds fans that the takeover would
definitely be confirmed by 9pm, otherwise he’d be deleting his account – he had
every right to be confident as THREE separate sources had confirmed as
much...nobody else has even managed to secure one!
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| Bullshitters beware! |
Predictably, come 9pm nothing had happened and @RyzinhoUK
remains, albeit many of his followers don’t, while those that stick around,
mainly do so to articulate their ‘disappointment’ at his bullshit... some of it
isn’t pretty! The tweeter in question has since deleted his entire history of
takeover tweets – another idiot who may have just learned a valuable lesson.
Saturday 14th July
The YEP confirm (several days late) that one of the
trialists at Thorp Arch is Martin Crainie, now a free agent having declined a
new contract at Coventry City. Those who’ve seen him speak very highly of him,
some even suggest he’s a better player than previously mooted Sky Blues target,
Richard Keogh. Others however remain haunted by the last occasion that someone
spoke the words “Crainie”, “Leeds United” and “left back” in the same sentence.
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| FOTC? Maybe not... |
Bolton remain favourites to land Andy Lonergan for a
price tag believed to be around the £200,000 mark, although rival clubs are
also reported to be in the mix. Here’s hoping there’s another Championship club
is actually willing to offer him the ‘Number 1’ shirt.
Sunday 15th July
A report on The Mail on Sunday website suggests that
Leeds are preparing a £3m bid for Craig MacKail-Smith. No sources are
mentioned, no quotes provided, nor no heed is paid to Neil Warnock’s remarks
about being thrifty with his transfer budget...I’m guessing it’s a no-goer.
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