24th August 2012
Dearest Ken,
I hope this letter finds
you in rude health and with your appetite for despotism undimmed by the passing
of another pre-season.
Please find enclosed with
this letter, a pen for your personal use; something I always regard as
invaluable to have to hand, in order to fulfil trivial day-to-day obligations,
such as completing the Daily Star crossword, or signing documentation to
confirm the completion of multi-million pound takeover deals.
You should also find
within, a colouring pencil for Mr Ben Fry; a small gift that should help to keep
him entertained as he fills the hours, waiting for your next Yorkshire Radio interview.
I would very much appreciate it if you could pass it onto Ben with my regards;
I did ponder sending it separately, but I think both you and I recognise the
folly of needlessly extravagant expenditure.
Before I go further, I
feel I must apologise for the quality of pen that I offer you; there was a very
fine selection of high quality, sought after writing implements available in
the marketplace yesterday, but being that people typically don’t do their
business this early the week, I thought I’d leave my purchase until stationery
suppliers were making less outlandish demands. Sadly, it appears that the more naïve
members of the letter writing community have given in to the exorbitant prices
being quoted, leaving very little to choose from.
Please however accept my
assurances that the pen in question, regardless of its age, appearance
and the lack of interest expressed in it by other shoppers is still more than capable
of doing the job it has been selected for. The owner of the stationers in
question has also offered me guarantees about its suitability for purpose –
needless to say, if this proves not to be the case, please inform me of your dissatisfaction
and I will gladly alert the wider fan base to that person’s betrayal by publishing
the address of his establishment on my blog and discretely urging readers to
harass both him and other members of his immediate family.
Rather like those morons,
dissidents and sickpots, I am writing to urge you to sell your stake in Leeds
United FC and perhaps find another group of supporters to alienate. Rest
assured, this doesn’t represent a damning judgement on my part of the job you
are doing, but like some of the investors who you’ve spoken with in the past, I
find myself intimidated when visiting Elland Road these days; some of the men
in the Revie Stand have even taken to using swear words in reference to you – I
can only imagine how discouraged potential bidders feel when they hear repeated
pleas for new owners.
It would also seem the
insignificant Trust organisation that you speak of appear to be gaining greater
influence too; can you believe that they would now have some people believe
sources other than the official website, match programme and Yorkshire Radio
for the truth on all things Leeds United? Whatever next?
As much as it pains me to
say it, I fear the end is nigh, so I can only hope you choose to leave before
these undesirables try and taint the magnificent job you have done. If I can
ever do anything in return to repay you for the last 7 years, by offering yourself
a similarly, wholly substandard service over a seemingly endless period of
time, at an exorbitant price, then please don’t hesitate to contact me. I shall
be only too happy to oblige.
Here’s hoping this letter and
the other contents reach you safely. I hear that local postal delivery office
in Beeston has been employing a lot of immigrants of late, so you can never be
sure what sure what they might decide to pocket for themselves. Can you believe
we – well not you, obviously – pay taxes to cover their benefits? No, me
neither?
Yours sincerely,
Adam. x
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